You Might Be from Jersey ..........
Good natured jokes about our lovely home state. Some of the lists are repeats.
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Dear Consumas: It has come ta our attentshun dat a cupola copies of the Windows XP New Joisey Edition may have been shipped outsida Joisey. If ya got one a dese, youse may need some help unnerstanin da commands. Da Joisey edition may be recognized by da unique openin' screen. It reads: "Windas XP" wit a background pitcha a Hoboken. When youse starta da program, instead a dat usual stringy like music, you hear a little Springsteen. It's also shipped wit a Sopranos screen sava. Please also note: *Recycle bin is labeled " Newark"Changes in Terminology in Da Joisey Edition: OK . . . . Sure tingWe regret any inconvenience dis may have caused. If youse mistakenly got a copy of the Joisey Edition, youse may return it to Bruno for a diffrant "knock off" copy.
You gotta problem wit dis? Or what?
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the Archangel, found Him resting on the seventh day. He inquires of God, "Where have you been?" Death penalty New jersey has banned the death penalty. The death penalty is now illegal in new jersey. I dont want to confuse anybody. If you kill a guy in New York you can still dump the body in New Jersey; you just cant kill the guy [Jay Leno]
Humorous NJ Postcard
You know you're from the Jersey Shore when...
How to Drive in Jersey. 
1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is Nork - rhymes with Fork, not New-ark. 2. The morning rush hour is from 5 AM to NOON. The evening rush hour is from NOON to 7 PM. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning. 3. The minimum acceptable speed on the turnpike is 85 mph. On the parkway it's 105 or 110. Anything less is considered 'Sissy.' (Just ask the Governor of NJ) 4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Jersey has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second; However, in Monmouth county, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way. 5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. 6. Never honk at anyone. EVER! Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot. 7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of Jersey. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting. 8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubber-neckers, shredded tires, cell-phoners, deer and other road kill, and the Homeless feeding on any of these items. 9. MapQuest does NOT work here -- none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do and all the Turnpike EZ Pass lanes are moved each night once again to make your ride more exciting. 10. If someone actually has their Turn Signal ON, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been 'accidentally activated.' 11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be 'flipped off' accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot. 12. Do not try to estimate travel time -- just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday appointments, and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning. SAFE DRIVING ! ! ! More Driving in New Jersey Rules 1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident New Jersey Driver avoids using them. 2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, because the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation. 3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you have of getting hit. 4. WARNING! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it, and it will result in your being rear-ended. 5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with PA, NY or Del plates. With no insurance, the other Operator probably has nothing to lose. 6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous, foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to strengthen your leg muscles. 7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway. 8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in New Jersey during rush hour. 9. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a New York driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot. 10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim. 11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signaling. New Jersey is the home of high-speed slalom-driving thanks to the Department of Public Works, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them alert. 12. It is tradition in New Jersey to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move three milliseconds after the light turns green. 13. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover, it is Important to exit your vehicle thru the windshield right away. Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger. 14. Remember that the goal of every New Jersey driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary. 15. Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the exit but before the traffic begins to back up. 16. The electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information; they're just to make the Turnpike look progressive. 17. All unmarked exits on the Parkway lead to downtown Newark. 17. In New Jersey, 'flipping the bird' is considered a polite salute. This gesture should always be returned. Thank You, The New Jersey Department of Motor Vehicles
Humorous NJ Postcard  Search for NJ Motto Compliments to Monica Yant Kinney, Philadelphia Inquirer columnist, who wrote the following suggestions for New Jersey's "name search.": "New Jersey: The only state you have to pay to leave." "What you make, Trenton takes" Paul Viggiano of Haddon Heights seemed to be speaking directly to Gov.-elect Jon Corzine with his slogan: "Come to New Jersey, where the landscape will take your breath away - and so will your tax bill." Come to think of it, so did John Miscenich, who wrote, "New Jersey: Things are as bad as they seem." After an ugly election, it's no surprise many of you focused your pen on politicians behaving badly. "New Jersey: Where the roads are paved and the pockets lined with good intentions" was how Mount Laurel's Joe Reale saw it. "New Jersey: Pay to play, play to win" came from Chuck Fest, a retired gym teacher in Moorestown. Now, a slogan like "New Jersey: You got a problem with that?" certainly speaks to our feisty point of view. But "New Jersey: Corrupt and proud" is probably a bit edgier than anything Codey has in mind. Everyone loves The Sopranos, but something tells me the tourism board won't go for your mobbed-up mottos. So to Paul DeSantis, I apologize. "New Jersey: We can have you killed" may be, technically, true. But is it inviting? From The Sopranos to Springsteen, you do love your Jersey guys. 
My favorite Bruce looter? Roger Weaver of Medford, who reminded us:
"New Jersey: It's a death trap, it's a suicide rap, get out while you're young."And the winner is... Coming in third place is Jim Shulman, a well-traveled marketing consultant from Bryn Mawr with the ethically challenged "New Jersey: One state, under indictment." Great work, Jim. How much would you have charged for that? Second place goes to Michelle Hong for the "It's so obvious, I can't believe I didn't think of it" slogan: "New Jersey: Way better than Old Jersey." Michelle, I mean this when I say I can see that one on a trucker hat. And the winner? After several sleepless nights and expensive psychic consultations, I hereby award first place to Katie Yeager, a recent arrival from Colorado. Yeager's entry blends her culture shock and outsider's bemusement. Even better? It's a double entendre, if one is inclined to read it that way. And here, without further ado, is your new state slogan: "New Jersey: Everything you've heard is true." And a late late entry: "New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!" "This is a state where people go to a landfill next to a turnpike that's on fire on alternate weekends to cheer a team from New York." -- Stuart Stevens, Republican Consultant Dumb New Jersey Laws You cannot pump your own gas. All gas stations are full service and full service only. On a highway you can not park under a bridge. It is against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season. It is against the law to "frown" at a police officer. If you have been convicted of driving while intoxicated, you may never again apply for personalized license plates. Car dealerships are forbidden from opening on Sunday. You may not slurp your soup. Automobiles are not to pass horse drawn carriages on the street. It is illegal to delay or detain a homing pigeon. Bernards Township It is illegal to frown as the town is a "Frown-Free Town Zone". Caldwell You may not dance or wear shorts on the main avenue. Cranford Citizens are not permitted to park their own boat on their lawn. Cresskill All cats must wear three bells to warn birds of their whereabouts. Elizabeth It is forbidden for a woman, on a Sunday, to walk down Broad Street without wearing a petticoat. Manville It is illegal to offer whiskey or cigarettes to animals a the local zoo. Newark 
It is illegal to sell ice cream after 6pm, unless the customer has a note from his doctor.Ocean City People may not slurp their soup. Pinball machines are not to be played on Sunday. Raw hamburger may not be sold. Raritan Profanity is prohibited. Sea Isle City There will be no boiling of bones on the property. Trenton You may not throw a bad pickle in the street. Pickles are not to be consumed on Sundays. Why are New Jersey drivers so depressed? Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New York! You know you're from NOO JOISEY if: 1. You've been seriously injured at Action Park. 2. You don't think of citrus when people mention "The Oranges". 3. You know that it's called Great Adventure, not Six Flags. 4. You've ordered a hard roll with butter for breakfast. 5. You've known the way to Seaside Heights since you were seven. 6. You've eaten at a diner, when you were stoned or drunk, at 3 a.m. 7. You remember that the "Two Guys" were from Harrison. 8. You know that the state isn't one big oil refinery. 9. At least three people in your family still love Bruce Springsteen and you know what town Jon Bon Jovi is from. 10. You know what a "jug handle" is. 11. You know that a WaWa is a convenience store. 12. You know that the state isn't all farmland. 13. You know that there are no "beaches" in New Jersey - there's "The Shore", and you know that the road to the shore is "The Parkway", not he "Garden State Highway". 14. You know that "Piney" isn't referring to a tree. 15. Even your school cafeteria made good Italian subs. And you call it a "Sub" not a "submarine sandwich" or worse yet, a "hoagie" or a "hero". 16. You remember the song from the Palisades Park commercials. 17. You know how to properly negotiate a Circle. 18. You knew that the last question had to do with driving. 19. You know that this is the only "New..." state that doesn't require "New" to identify it (like, try...Mexico, ...York, ...Hampshire - doesn't work, does it?) 20. You only go to New York City for day trips, and you only call it "The City". 21. You know that a "White Castle" is the name of BOTH a fast food chain AND a fast food sandwich. 22. You consider a corned beef sandwich with lettuce and mayo a sacrilege. 23. In the 80's, you wore your hair REALLY high. 24. You don't think "What exit" is very funny. 25. You know that the first "strip shopping center" in the country is Route 22. 26. You know that people from 609 area code are "a little different". 27. You know that no respectable New Jerseyan goes to Princeton - that's for out-of-staters. 28. The Jets-Giants game has started fights at your school or local bar. 29. You live within 20 minutes of at least three different malls. 30. You can see the Manhattan skyline from some part of your town. 31. You refer to all highways and interstates by their numbers. 32. Every year, you had a least one kid in your class named Tony. 33. You know where every "clip" shown in the Sopranos opening credits is. 34. You've gotten on the wrong highway trying to get out of the Willowbrook Mall. 35. You've been to at least one mall in Paramus. 36. You know that people from North Jersey go to Seaside Heights, and people from South Jersey go to Wildwood. It can't be the other way around. 37. You were not raised in New Jersey. You were raised in either North Jersey, Central Jersey or South Jersey. 38. You don't consider Newark or Camden to actually be part of the state. 39. You remember the stores Korvette's, Rickel's, Channel, Bamburger's and Orbach's. 40. You've eaten a Boardwalk cheesteak with vinegar fries. 41. You start planning for Memorial Day weekend in February. And finally... 42. You've never pumped your own gas. 
Did you know.....New Jersey is a peninsula. Highlands, New Jersey has the highest elevation along the entire eastern seaboard, from Maine to Florida. New Jersey is the only state where all of its counties are classified as metropolitan areas. New Jersey has more race horses than Kentucky. New Jersey has more Cubans in Union City (1 sq. mi.) than Havana, Cuba. New Jersey has the densest system of highways and railroads in the US. New Jersey has the highest cost of living. New Jersey has the highest cost of auto insurance. New Jersey has the highest property taxes in the nation. New Jersey has the most diners in the world and is sometimes referred to as the Diner Capital of the World New Jersey is home to the original mystery pork parts chub (no, not spam)Taylor Ham or Pork Roll. Home to the less mysterious, but the best, Italian hot dogs and Italian sausage w/peppers and onions. North Jersey has the most shopping malls in one area in the world, with seven major shopping malls in a 25 square mile radius. New Jersey is home to the Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island. The Passaic River was the site of the first submarine ride by inventorJohn P. Holland. New Jersey has 50+ resort cities & towns. Some of the nations' most famous: Asbury Park, Wildwood, Atlantic City, Seaside Heights, Long Branch & Cape May. New Jersey has the most stringent testing along our coastline for Water Quality Control than any other seaboard state in the entire country. New Jersey is a leading technology & industrial state and is the largest chemical producing state in the nation when you include pharmaceuticals. Jersey tomatoes are known the world over as being the best you can buy. New Jersey is the world leader in blueberry and cranberry production (and here you thought Massachusetts?) Here's to New Jersey - the toast of the country! In 1642, the first brewery in America opened in Hoboken. New Jersey rocks! The famous Les Paul invented the first solid body electric guitar in Mahwah in 1940. New Jersey is a major seaport state with the largest seaport in the US, located in Elizabeth. Nearly 80% of what our nation imports comes through Elizabeth Seaport first. New Jersey is home to one of the nation's busiest airports at Newark Liberty International. George Washington slept here. Several important Revolutionary War battles were fought on New Jersey soil, led by General George Washington. The light bulb, phonograph (record player) and motion picture projector were invented by Thomas Edison in his Menlo Park, NJ laboratory. We also boast the first town ever lit by incandescent bulbs. The first seaplane was built in Keyport, NJ. The first airmail (to Chicago) was started from Keyport, NJ. The first phonograph records were made in Camden, NJ. New Jersey is home to the Miss America Pageant held in Atlantic City. The game Monopoly, played all over the world, named the streets on their playing board after the actual streets in Atlantic City. And, Atlantic City has the longest boardwalk in the world. New Jersey has the largest petroleum containment area outside of the Middle East countries. The first Indian reservation was in New Jersey, in the Watchung Mountains. New Jersey has the tallest water-tower in the world. (Union, NJ!!!) New Jersey had the first Medical Center, in Jersey City. The Pulaski SkyWay, from Jersey City to Newark, was the first skyway highway. NJ built the first tunnel under a river, the Hudson. (Holland Tunnel). The first baseball game was played in Hoboken, NJ, which is also the birthplace of Frank Sinatra. The first intercollegiate football game was played in New Brunswick in 1889. (Rutgers College played Princeton - Rutgers won!) The first Drive-in Movie Theater was opened in Camden, NJ, (but they're all gone now!) New Jersey is home to both of "NEW YORK'S" Pro Football Teams! The first radio station and broadcast was in Paterson, NJ. The first FM radio broadcast was made from Alpine, NJ, by Maj. Thomas Armstrong. All New Jersey natives: Sal Martorano, Jack Nicholson, Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi, Jason Alexander, Queen Latifa, Susan Sarandon, Connie Francis, Shaq, Judy Blume,Aaron Burr, Joan Robertson, Ken Kross, Dionne Warwick, Sarah Vaughn, BuddAbbott, Lou Costello, Alan Ginsberg, Norman Mailer, Marilynn McCoo, Flip Wilson, Alexander Hamilton, Whitney Houston, Eddie Money, Linda McElroy, Eileen Donnely, Grover Cleveland, Woodrow Wilson, Walt Whitman, Jerry Lewis, Tom Cruise, Richard Wojewodzki, Joyce Kilmer, Bruce Willis, Caesar Romero, Lauryn Hill, Ice-T, Nick Adams, Nathan Lane, Sandra Dee, Danny DeVito, Richard Conti, Joe Pesci, Joe Piscopo, Robert Blake, John Forsyth, Meryl Streep, Loretta Swit, Norman Lloyd, Paul Simon, Jerry Herman, Gorden McCrae, Kevin Spacey, John Travolta, Phyllis Newman, Anne Morrow, Steve Dmytriw,Lindbergh, Eva Marie Saint, Elisabeth Shue, Zebulon Pike, James Fennimore Cooper, Admiral William Halsey, Jr., Dave Thomas (Wendy's), William Carlos Williams, Ray Liotta, Robert Wuhl, Bob Reyers, Paul Robeson, Ernie Kovacs,Joseph Macchia and of course.........Frank Albert Sinatra and "Uncle Floyd" Vivino. You Might Be From New Jersey IF:
1. You refer to the beach as the shore. ....Yada, yada, yada......... 69 Ways to Tell You Are from New Jersey 69. You went to Seaside after your Senior Prom. 68. You watched "Mallrats" and said, "I've been to that mall!" [Even though it was filmed in Minnesota -- B. Bokista] [Well, some scenes were filmed at US Rt. 1 Fleamarket in New Brunswick -- Curt B.] 67. At least half of the people you went to high school with went to Rutgers. 66. You know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried. 65. Your big class trip in elementary school was to Morristown. 64. You long for the days when the Devil wore Christmas colors. 63. You know that the only people who call it "Joisey" are from NY. 62. You've been to the Meadowlands Fair. 61. You've planned a local trip around passing at least one Dunkin Donuts. 60. You do not think of citrus when people mention the "Oranges." 59. You know that it's called "Great Adventure", not "Six Flags." 58. You actually know bakeries that are not part of a supermarket, but are individual stores. 57. You've ordered a "hard roll with butter" for breakfast. 56. You've gone to a diner after drinking all night. 
55. You've eaten at that diner at 3 am at least a dozen times.54. At least 3 people in your family still like Bruce Springsteen. 53. "Anyone who makes bad pizza can bite me!" 52. You always use at least 10 variation of "damn" while driving. 51. You don't have to go to Red Lobster to get fresh seafood. 50. You once said "It smells like New York in here." 49. You can go bowling at 1:30 am (w/ automatic scoring). 48. In high school, you knew someone who worked at a Friendly's or Stewart's. 47. The Garden State Parkway does not freak you out at night. 46. You know what a "jug handle" is. 45. You have mandatory recycling - enforced by law. 44. You've eaten a porkroll, egg & cheese on a hard roll -- and loved it. 43. You go to the boardwalk at least once a year. 42. You've pondered..."Maybe basketball would be more popular in NJ if the Nets weren't here." 41. You say the words "water", "coffee", "dog" and "whatever", like this "wadder", "cawfee", "dowg" and "wadever". 40. Even your high school cafeteria made good subs. 39. You've lived through hurricanes, nor'easters and brushfires, but you have never seen a tornado, earthquake, tsunami or volcano. 38. You can't believe that MTV went to Seaside Heights. 37. You know that ACME is an actual store, not just a Warner Bros. creation. 36. You only go to NYC for day trips. 35. You've run out of money on the Parkway. 34. You're Italian. 33. You know where to get a great bagel. 32. You think Perkins is terrible and should have never opened any restaurants here. 31. There are no self-serve gas stations -- and you like it that way. 30. You have had sex on the beach (not the drink). 29. You know how to successfully handle a traffic circle. 28. The Jet/Giants game has started fights at your local bar. 27. Your car is covered with yellow-green dust in April and May. 26. You can't understand why there aren't any 24 hour diners in the rest of the country. 25. You live within 45 minutes of at least 3 different malls. 24. Someone at the beach once called you a "benny." 23. You can see the NYC skyline from some part of your town. 22. You know what MCCC is and a good percentage of people from your high school went there. 21. You've seen or been in a fight over the Rangers and Devils. 20. You have, or know someone who has, Mafia connections. 19. You're related to someone who think the NY Jets should be the New Jersey Jets. 18. You have at least one friend who drives a truck. 17. You've been camping. 16. You've been in a city or town where Spanish is spoken more than English. 15. You can't remember when Clifton didn't win a softball championship. 13. You've been to a party in the woods. 12. You've purchased fireworks in Chinatown. 11. You've played in a P.A.L. league. 10. You liked the Jets, even before Bill Parcells. 9. You know where to get a fresh Taylor ham, egg and cheese at 2 am. 8. You don't take no crap from no one. 7. You remember Action Park and may have been seriously injured there. 6. At sometime you got on the wrong highway while trying to leave Willowbrook Mall. 5. Z-100 used to be your favorite, now it's K-Rock. 4. Anything less than 3 inches of snow isn't worth your time. 3. Someone on the road cut you off and you used at least four swear words to tell them what you thought. 2. You think people from South Jersey talk funny. 1. You know someone who lives in a neighborhood with contaminated water, because of toxic chemicals. There is no beach, just "the shore". [Submitted by H. Gizzi] You know the names of the three Pep Boys. [Submitted by H. Gizzi] You know what town Bruce Springsteen is from, which high school he went to and where he lives now. [Submitted by H. Gizzi, C. Middleton] You know what town Bon Jovi is from and can spell his real name. [Submitted by H. Gizzi] "Been there . . . been there . . . drove past that . . . shopped there once" -- your response to the opening credits of The Sopranos. [Submitted by C. Middleton] You can toss 35 cents out of your driver's side window into a funnel of 12" diameter at 55 mph. You've been to two malls in one day. [Submitted by E. Caraballo] When you want to know where people live, you ask "Which exit?" [Submitted by M. Zurofsky] It's funny how the New Jersey state bird is the third finger on everyone's hand. [Submitted by M. Matelski] You can't believe that MTV went to Seaside Heights -- a second time! [Submitted by K. Gobac] NJ State Motto: "Road Closed" [Submitted by B. Cardona] You're used to that strange smell that people from other states complain about. [Submitted by T. Kernan] Two wrongs don't make a right, but 3 rights do make a left. [Submitted by D. Minich] You have ever been through Cowtown on your way to eat the best pizza (Mack and Manco's) in a dry town and have Polish Italian Ice for dessert. [Submitted by P. Meidna] Pizza is listed as "Tomato Pies" in the phone book. [Submitted by D. Umeda] You know about the southbound speed trap on the Parkway right after the Arts Center. [Submitted by J. Worman] Pizza isn't pizza if it doesn't flop in the front with grease dripping off the end. [Submitted by K. Iossa] You remember River View Beach and getting there on The Wilson Line. [Submitted by A. Fesser] You hate people who think you love Bon Jovi. [Submitted by W. Myers] You are a safe driver in New Jersey, but deadly elsewhere. [Submitted by W. Myers] It isn't Atlantic City. It's A.C. [Submitted by C. Huttemann] You remember Jungle Habitat and all the stories about wild animals running loose after it closed[Submitted by K. Rotello] Back to the home page - quick! |
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You've had arguments over pizza quality and you know the location of at least 5 pizza places in your town alone. 
You know where to get the best bagel.